


Colt Ire Fen

by neonsign



Category: Persona 4
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:43:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonsign/pseuds/neonsign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not that Yosuke’s looking or anything, but Souji glows in the right light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Not that Yosuke’s looking or anything, but Souji glows in the right light.

Sitting in a little circle with him and Yukiko on the riverbank, the way the sun is setting, anyone would have noticed. Yosuke looks to his right and Yukiko is all contrast, golden skin and raven hair; he looks to his left and Souji is glowing. They’re laughing about something stupid while he’s zoned out and thinking about how beautiful they both are.

Not in a weird way, in Souji’s case – an objective way. Yosuke never was one for art but he knows a good face when he sees one. That’s normal. There’s something scientific about it – he heard about it somewhere. It’s the ratio of one feature to another or whatever. A good face is a good face.

This isn’t really the first time he’s noticed the glow – just when he realized it was most noticeable in the sunset. Souji’s hair is such a light silver that it shimmers. His eyes, too; if the sun hits from the side his pupils contract and his irises, they glow.

As Yosuke shields his eyes just so he can look at Souji without going blind, he thinks how fitting it is. It’s almost otherworldly and it works, because in a way Souji is too.

It’s just that they both have a power, but Souji’s is more versatile. Both can fight, but he’s stronger. Both often study together, but he’s the one that gets the highest marks. Yosuke’s running to keep up but he’s always several steps ahead. Souji works himself to the bone for what he has, but that drive itself is just as inhuman as his perfection.

Mentally shaking himself, Yosuke slips back into the conversation a little awkwardly. Yukiko barely notices but there might be something too knowing in the way Souji looks at him. Yosuke laughs past it. It’s a good moment between the three of them; no need to go and ruin it by bringing everyone down. 

This keeps up and he’ll be facing another Shadow – if it’s possible to face two. He doesn’t want to be the first to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe if i publish this it'll motivate me to finish it haw haw


	2. Chapter 2

The subject of girls comes up during a study session and for once, Yosuke’s not the one to initiate it. Rain pounds the bedroom window as Souji says that the last time he helped out at Junes, one of the part timers just couldn’t keep her eyes off Yosuke.

This is news. This is good news. When Yosuke sits forward eagerly, Souji leans back, jaw set in a way that makes him look pissed off.

“It would be pointless dating someone right now.” Souji glances at his TV and says, “Think of all the secrets you would have to keep from her.”

Souji’s right because he’s always right and Yosuke deflates. But easily bounces back. The investigation is just more reason why they should get girlfriends; they deserve it. Just something simple and easygoing to keep their minds off things.

“Let loose a little,” Yosuke says. “That’s all I’m saying.”

Despite being the one to bring it up, Souji doesn’t look interested. He shrugs and lowers his head over his books, quickly and easily writing some sentence in English, just like he does for one of his five jobs. His notes are neater, more thorough and organized than Yosuke’s. Colour coded and highlighted. Something that must’ve taken hours.

“I can’t,” is all he says before changing the subject to the weather.

Even though Yosuke has his umbrella and easily could’ve walked home, Souji gets a little excited and insists he stay the night. He’s never had a sleepover before, he says. Which is absurd. With the way people flock to him, he could’ve had a sleepover every day for the rest of his high school career and never once with the same person. Yosuke laughs as he says this and Souji just gives him a small smile before speaking of something else. Asking if he has enough pillows or something stupid.

He does that a lot, Yosuke is starting to realize. Not the smiling – the avoiding.

Yosuke sleeps on the spare futon right next to Souji’s. Or more accurately: Souji sleeps while Yosuke stares at him. Still, not in a weird way. An objective way. Scientific. He is Yosuke Hanamura, art connoisseur, appreciating the ratio of features and remembering the way his eyes looked when the sun hit them and they glowed. It makes him think of androids, that glow, and it works because in a way, Souji is almost robotic.

It's just that he works and he works and he never tires. He knows just what to say to everyone like he has everything calculated. Like everyone he knows has been reduced to their basic components and stored away in his memory banks so he knows just how to deal with them. If either of them is going to get a girlfriend first, it’ll be Souji.

As Yosuke stares, he notices a freckle on his eyelid. He’s never noticed it before.

He turns away as if he can forget, but it’s too late. It’s in his head. Filed away. Now he’s going to notice it every time.


	3. Chapter 3

You spend enough time with a person and you start noticing little things here and there. When she's anxious, Rise punches in all those little buttons on soft drinks or tears off water bottle labels. Kanji has a habit of clinking his cartilage piercings together when he’s bored. It’s Yosuke’s job to keep their team’s morale up, so of course he’s going to notice all these little details. Watching for hints as to what they’re feeling.

That’s how he happens to notice Souji’s got more freckles. There’s two just below his jaw where you might press your fingers to check for a pulse. Yosuke notices when he arches his neck to crack it and he notices when Souji lifts his arms to stretch, it brings up his shirt and he’s not wearing an undershirt because he never wears an undershirt and the bottommost button is undone like always. Not that he’s looking or anything, but he just happens to notice that there’s another freckle just below his navel.

Yosuke stares at it and “You seem tired lately” comes out without him really meaning to speak. That happens a lot. He nudges Souji’s leg under the table and looks away. At the ground. “The whole thing with Yumi’s really bugging you, huh?”

Word got around because word always gets around: someone saw him leave the drama room and then a minute later, Yumi, red-eyed and sniffling. Souji’s been out of whack since. If word hadn’t gotten around, Yosuke wonders if Souji would have told him. An ugly and bitter part of him doubts it.

But still, he was right: Souji (could have) got a girlfriend first.

Souji rubs his chin and looks away. He stares across the Junes roof, at Chie and Kanji getting food for their group.

“It doesn’t help,” is all he says. He won’t say it but he must mean the letter left in the mailbox. That’s been bugging him.

Yosuke hums. They’ve all talked it over and talked it over and there’s nothing more to conclude about it. His attention wanders and Yumi comes to mind again.

Even if Souji’s transfer was eventually overshadowed by his distant personality, the murders, and Rise’s arrival, there’s still a kind of allure about him. He’s a popular guy. Yosuke has to wonder what kind of person will eventually attract him. If not someone as hot as Yumi, then who? It would have to be a girl just as superhuman as him. Someone who can stand on even ground with him; someone who can keep up.

The thought of Souji being with someone isn’t something Yosuke can easily get out of his head. Everything would change. Between clubs and work and other friends, it’s already hard to spend enough time together. A girlfriend would make it worse. Even after everything they’ve been through together, Yosuke would become a second priority.

And that’s really fucking annoying.

Yosuke chews the inside of his cheek for a moment before grinning and slapping Souji’s arm.

“Well hey, cheer up, partner. It won’t do to let everyone see their leader looking so down in the dumps.” Yosuke gets to his feet. It’s his job to keep morale up but Souji doesn’t need him. Souji never needs him. “I just remembered I left something in my locker. Keep Chie away from my food.”

Pissed off at a flawless girl that doesn’t exist, a scenario that hasn’t happened, knowing it’s stupid and getting that much more pissed off because of it, Yosuke heads for the elevator. Until it doesn’t happen, he doesn’t realize he’s waiting for Souji to chase after him.


	4. Chapter 4

They say you don’t know someone until you fight them, and as Yosuke drives his fist into Souji’s face, he wonders how well he actually knows his best friend. Just not in so many words. The Souji he thinks he knows wouldn’t bare bloodied teeth like a wolf devouring prey, panting so hard his chest heaves and every breath scrapes his throat dry.

The punch dazes him enough that Yosuke’s able to push him back, shove his shoulders and climb on top to reverse their positions. Souji looks up at him with wild eyes, blood smeared across his cheek. He bucks his hips, trying to throw Yosuke’s balance. It almost works, but the first thing Yosuke instinctively grabs is Souji’s wrist and the motion carries it to the ground, pinning it.

Souji’s struggling like a rabid animal stuck in a hunter’s trap. He’s fighting with everything he has, taking Yosuke seriously, really seeing him as a threat. There would be no point to this if it was half-hearted. And Yosuke’s repaying him in kind because this is his chance to prove himself. The ugliness that’s been devouring his mind these last few months, the jealousy and resentment, he wants it gone.

Souji manages to flail an arm around Yosuke’s defence and the punch connects with almost no force. A breath escapes him, sharp and halfway to laughter, and he leaves his fist sitting against Yosuke’s cheek. All energy drained, they stare at each other, winded and shaking with adrenaline. Neither of them says anything but at the same moment Yosuke lets go of his wrist, Souji lets his hand fall.

Yosuke sits back on his hips, a rasping cough dragging its way out of his worn body. It’s not until Souji pats his thigh that he gets the message and slides off, sprawling out beside him.

Inside and out, everything aches. It’s like accepting his Shadow all over again; something’s been torn from him but he feels lighter than ever. The deadweight of envy and insecurity may not be completely gone, but at least now he can start weeding out the cause. Accepting himself for what he is instead of hating himself for what he’s not. Standing on the same ground as Souji instead of raising him up on a pedestal.

Yosuke turns his head and sees Souji’s bleeding from his nose, his lip, trying to mop it up with a trembling hand. All Yosuke has to offer him is a small bandage he brought because he thought he’d get punched and that would be it, but Souji keeps surprising him. The Souji Yosuke doesn’t know accepts the bandage with a wide, genuine smile he’s never seen before. A face he’s so familiar with, but he’s never seen it look so content and at peace with everything. He's never heard that light and airy laughter come from Souji, either. The adrenaline must be driving Yosuke wild, because his heart gives an excited little thump.

Souji puts the bandage in his pocket like he plans to keep it, never use it, and Yosuke smiles back.

They say you don’t know someone until you fight them, and it feels good to be just that much closer. It took a while to get there but this is the beginning of something.


	5. Chapter 5

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Souji says, because he’s always fine.

 “You don’t have to be,” and his finger twitches. Like a coma victim giving his first signs of consciousness.

He’s standing in the entranceway to Dojima’s place, arms at his side and shoulders back. Standing robotic and otherworldly and superhuman and everything Yosuke’s ever thought of him as. His eyes are fixed on a spot just over Yosuke’s shoulder, unblinking and just as cold as the November night chilling him to the bone.

“I’m just tired,” Souji says, because he’s always tired. With how worn he looks, pale and sickly, it’s not a lie. He puts on a small smile that belongs in a magazine or a museum, a practiced piece of art, all science and perfect ratios. “I appreciate you coming to check on me but you should get back. Teddie probably misses you.”

He still does that a lot. Not the smiling – the avoiding.

“Souji,” and the smile disappears.

Souji crosses his arms. More time passes and he hunches his shoulders. Shifts his weight from leg to leg, averts his eyes, clenches his jaw. Building walls even as they crumble down; a race against destruction.

Yosuke can wait because he’s already waited this long. Being friends with Souji tends to call for worlds of patience, which isn’t something he ever thought he had, but Souji brings out a lot of the best in him. It’s only too bad that it took so long.

“I’m fine, really, I’m –” Souji’s voice wavers and breaks. He presses his hand to his mouth and closes his eyes, brow furrowed like he’s in pain.

Because you’re always alright until someone asks if you’re alright, because the house behind him is empty, Souji finally breaks.

On his way over Yosuke had considered what might happen. It’s his job to keep their team’s morale up, so of course he noticed Souji’s been trying to smile lately, trying to keep everything normal. Trying to do Yosuke’s job for him like he tries to do everyone’s jobs. He’s noticed the way Souji seems so absent, like he’s physically there but his mind is in another world.

Yosuke had considered what might happen, but nothing could have prepared him for the way tears stop his heart cold and a gentle sob quakes the ground beneath him.

Because they’re equals, Yosuke steps forward and wraps his arms around Souji’s shoulders. Because they’re partners, Souji lets go of everything and finally leans on him.


	6. Chapter 6

Even knowing they’re not the way they should be, things don’t change so easily.

Yosuke has to practically elbow Souji out of the kitchen while he makes instant ramen – the only food in the house. Eyes still red and puffy, Souji puts up a fight, claiming he doesn’t want to be a bother, and when Yosuke still refuses, that he doesn’t need to be treated like a goddamn child. But it’s hard to make a serious case for yourself when any influx of emotion sets you off and you start crying again. Eventually Souji does what he’s told and heads upstairs.

“Good boy,” Yosuke says to his retreating figure.

All he gets in return is a shaky laugh and a sarcastic retort.

Most of what Souji does while they sit on the couch in his room is talk. In the span of an hour or more, he talks more than he has for their entire friendship. They come to the conclusion that they’ve both made mistakes getting to this point.

Over and over, Yosuke poured his heart out to Souji and was given nothing to fill himself back up. When he started noticing warning signs of Souji wearing himself out, he ignored them out of petty revenge. Just once, he wanted Souji to be the one to come to him. To be for Souji what Souji was for him.

“I’ve never been anything for anyone,” Souji says, poking at his noodles with his chopsticks. “Now it feels like I have to be everything for everyone. I resent it sometimes, so I get pissed off and act cold. But I guess it’s thinking pretty low of my friends to assume you guys want it that way. I know you all better than that.”

Sheets of rain pound the window and even though Yosuke has his umbrella and could easily walk home, he insists on staying. Souji just nods.

Settled into their futons and left with nothing to do but stare at Souji again, Yosuke’s mind starts racing.

Souji glows in the right light, but right now it’s like all the light is gone from the world. Drained and washed-out with hair that looks less like shimmering silver and more like cold, dull iron. He’s less the flawless hero and more someone who had all his burdens slowly crush him because he chose to take them on alone. Someone who had something precious taken from him.

Someone who, in the end, was very human. Who was wounded and bled.

Looking at Souji’s, Yosuke points to his own mouth. “That’s gonna scar.”

Souji touches his lip, still healing where Yosuke’s fist split it against his tooth. His eyes, one still black and bruised, light up a little.

“I hope so,” he smiles, like he wants to remember it, never forget it, and Yosuke smiles back.

Despite every insecurity and anxiety screaming for him not to, Yosuke reaches over and places his hand over Souji’s. Without hesitation, Souji turns his around so he can properly hold it.

His skin is calloused from the hilt of his sword, softened from a long bath. From one of their many study sessions, Yosuke knows that fingers don’t actually have any muscles, but Souji’s feel like they do. His hand is strong. And shaking a little.

It’s not over yet. Things don’t change so easily and they’re in for a long night.

When Souji closes his eyes, his smiles twists, his face scrunches up. Yosuke’s heart stops all over again. Not knowing what else to do, he slides over and climbs under Souji’s blanket. Whatever he thinks about it, Souji’s too busy hiding his crying face with his hand to show it. At least he doesn’t push Yosuke away.

There are implications behind the action he’s been half-aware of for a while, things they’ll need to work through, but for now this is okay.

“It’s okay.” Yosuke strokes his hair and tells him, “I’m with you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all your kind words and everything!! this was a lot of fun to write, i'm glad you guys enjoyed it too

Fingers don’t have any muscles and heads weigh about five kilograms. All five of Souji’s are crushing Yosuke’s arm, cutting off circulation. He wants to let Souji sleep in, but it _hurts_. It’s gone beyond tingly and right into what having piranhas eat you alive must feel like. He tries flexing his muscle-less fingers, thinking that if the tendons moving in his forearm are prominent enough, it might kind of nudge Souji awake, or disturb him enough that he’ll lift his head and roll over. Just one second, that’s all he needs.

It doesn’t work, of course, and Yosuke’s left with staring at Souji’s profile, trying to telepathically scream at him to wake the hell up.

Sleeping, he looks defenceless. He’s not holding his face in any kind of calculated, robotic expression. His lips are parted and his eyes roll underneath the lids now and then. That’s supposed to mean a deep sleep – or shallow, Yosuke can’t remember. Something about REM and alpha and theta brainwaves. Souji probably knows.

“Souji,” Yosuke whispers.

Nothing.

Yosuke sighs and goes back to staring.

It’s clear he spent most of the night crying. Even closed, his eyes have that swollen look and his eyelashes are a little clumped together. His hair’s a mess, he’s got his split lip and black eye, and dark circles on top of that. To sum it up, he looks like shit.

“Stop staring.”

Yosuke sighs and wrenches his arm out from under Souji’s head, letting it thump against the thin pillow. As he tries to massage some blood back into it, Souji rubs his eyes and frowns, pinching the bridge of his nose.

According to Yosuke’s phone and a couple new messages from their friends, it’s after eleven in the morning and they’re missing class. Souji just hums when Yosuke reads Chie’s latest asking where they are and rolls onto his side. The action brings him… really close. Part of Yosuke wants to push away, go back to his own futon, but most of him is right there behind his brain’s decision to toss his phone aside and mimic Souji so they’re facing each other.

“How’re you feeling?”

“I’m…” Souji considers it for a moment. “Still crappy, but – um…”

He glances from eye to eye, looking like he wants to say something more. That defencelessness is still there, a kind of vulnerability that makes Yosuke feel like he’s got the upperhand. Souji’s going to apologize or thank him or something – but that’s not something that needs to be said anymore. A couple months ago, Yosuke would have killed to hear it, but now things have changed and he doesn’t need it. That isn’t to say he doesn’t _want_ it, but…

Yosuke pulls a disgusted face.

“You have really bad morning breath.”

Souji’s face blanks, his eyebrows rising a little, and then he starts laughing. He pinches Yosuke’s side.

“Like you’re one to talk.”

Yosuke squirms, trying to worm his way around Souji’s defences to repay the favour. It’s easier than expected because one thing he’s always had over Souji is speed. It doesn’t take much for him to grab Souji’s wrists, killing his defense but also his own offense. Souji sticks his tongue out and Yosuke lets go. Another tie.

Resting his arm casually over Souji’s waist, sharing the same pillow, they’re right back to where they started.

Souji places his hand against Yosuke’s cheek, thumb brushing a cut on his browbone. Another remnant of their fight.

“That’s going to scar, too.”

“I hope so.”

Souji smiles. It’s different than the one on the riverbank. This one’s small and content and Yosuke’s so busy staring at it that he almost doesn’t realize Souji’s moving closer.

Their first kiss is quick and hesitant and doesn’t last long. When the two of them part, it’s with nervous giggling – from Yosuke, until he moves in for another.

Souji’s hand slides down to the side of his neck and that’s when the kisses stops being light and cautious. Against the morning silence, the little noises they make are loud and embarrassing. Each one shoots through Yosuke like an electric shock until he’s flustered and barely knows what to do with himself.

 Then he can feel Souji’s tongue and it’s wet and warm and he’s human. He’s so human. His hair is knotted and Yosuke’s fingers catch when he tries to comb them through. Souji smells of body wash and tastes of morning breath. He’s inexperienced and their teeth keep clacking. There’s nothing otherworldly or superhuman about him, but he’s still so much. And when they’re together Yosuke feels like he can be, too.

They part with another embarrassing noise and rest their foreheads together, each trying to catch their breath. When Yosuke opens his eyes, Souji’s already looking at him. The morning sun hits his eyes from the right angle and Yosuke swears they’re glowing, so he moves his head to block the light. Souji’s eyes follow, pupils dilating in the shadow, and he smiles when Yosuke touches his cheek. Even in shadow, he glows. He glows brighter than any feeble reflection of the sun could ever hope to be.


End file.
